TITLE: On the Delicate Intricacies of Ministry Policy Regarding the
Enlargement of Cabbages (and Other Vegetables)
RATING: A nice NC-17. No kids allowed.
SUMMARY: Isn't it nice that the heroes let Percy have his safe, boring
job back? Well, not really.
DISCLAIMER: The characters involved in this piece of naughty fiction
do not belong to me, nor does the world they fornicate in.
AUTHOR NOTES: When I saw that I was allowed a pairing with two of my
favorite characters, I couldn't resist! Hope you like it!
To be bored at a conference hosted by the Ministry of Magic was a cardinal sin in the eyes of one Percy Weasley.
And yet, there was no denying that he was sitting at the bar of a very expensive and expansive Wizarding hotel, the bar of all Merlinforesaken places, nursing some fancy Muggle drink named after some deviant act in some strange location-- and he was bored. Regulations on cabbage-enlarging charms simply didn't hold the charm they had before the War. In fact, if Percy was to be completely honest with himself, nothing at the Ministry held the charm it once did.
Logically, he knew that his sudden lack of interest, his feelings of boredom and depression, came from his own War-related downfall. A month as the interim Minister and the place had fallen apart anyway. For all his efforts, he'd had to crawl home and it was because of his baby brother and his classmates that Percy had a job now. He was working because Ron and Harry had pitied him, though there was likely an element of their disdain for paperwork in it.
"Oh, it'll be a lark, Percy," he grumbled into his Illicit Sexual Activity on the Bus or whatever, "and you're so good with organizing things. Harry and I are just rubbish. Just think, you can spend your whole life writing regulations and rules about mundane things!" He groaned, letting his forehead drop to the bar. "My whole life! What was I thinking?"
"Better to go with the safe old person you used to be than take a chance on the new one, probably," came a soft windchime of a voice. When Percy looked up, it appeared to belong to a pair of very large, dreamy eyes. "I expect it must be very loud in there with both of those people arguing all of the time," added the young woman.
"...in where?" asked Percy, instantly regretting the weakness of his voice.
She smiled, the silvery coins of her eyes lighting up into gleaming full moons, and she tapped him on the forehead. "In there, of course. The old Percy Weasley and the new."
Still floundering, he asked, "How do you know my name?"
"It's my job. I'm Luna Lovegood, reporting for the Quibbler. I find cabbage enlarging to be a very pressing issue, so I'm covering your event." Luna smiled, and waved at the barkeep. "Hullo, may I have something with purple and orange and a naughty name? Thank you." She turned her attention back to Percy. "Besides, Ginny spoke of you quite a bit."
Percy groaned. "Oh, so you know me through Ginny. You know she hates me?"
"Not true," Luna disagreed. "She loves you quite a bit. I have a quote somewhere..." She pulled a small notepad from her robes, and flipped through it. "Oh, here. 'It's not Percy's fault he's such a stubborn arsehole prig; he was just born that way. And the twins only made it worse by doing things like Luna what are you doing writing this down? It's not exactly the kind of thing that should be in a paper yes even the Quibbler...' oh, she goes on for quite a bit about that."
"You're absolutely loony," he said, in amazement.
"Oh, yes, I agree," said Luna, and her drink arrived. She wrapped a pair of very pretty pink lips around the straw and sucked.
He watched her for a few minutes, finding that she didn't seem to mind if he just sat and stared at her and her drink. "It doesn't bother you," he finally asked, "that you seem completely barmy?"
"Not anymore," she answered, as if they'd been conversing fluently the whole time. "It used to, a bit, when people were cruel to me. They stopped when Harry told them to knock it off, though."
"And that doesn't bother you? Not settling things out on your own?" She did seem very... independent.
Luna smiled at nothing in particular. "No, it doesn't. Harry did it because he cares for me."
"What if it's just because he feels sorry for you?" Percy pressed.
"Perhaps he does," she said. "It wouldn't be the first time. But that doesn't change that I've all sorts of new chances now."
"That's an interesting way to look at it," Percy said, and stared at the bar's counter, tracing the lines of the tiling. "I wish..."
He shook his head. "Nothing. I think too many of these conferences in a half-year span get to me."
Luna was the one watching him now, and he let her. There was something both distant and intense in her gaze, like being held close and pulled forward at the same time.
And then she licked those petal pink lips, and said, "I'd like to fuck you, Percy."
He dropped his drink all over himself, and in only a few moments, he was sopping wet all over the front, smelled like alcohol, and his cock was harder than he could recall in a long time. Luna laughed, but it was free of derision, and when she leaned over to get a towel, he got a good look at the long, pale legs under those robes.
Distracted by that glimpse, he wasn't even paying attention to what she was doing until she was close, dabbing the drink from the front of his robes. Her stomach was terribly close to his erection, and all Percy could do was whimper a little and try to ignore the smell of her hair.
It didn't work, of course, for she dabbed the cloth all the way down to his lap, and those small, white hands brushed the bulge under his robe. Luna looked up, eyes suddenly electric. "You want to," she said simply, and it was too much.
"You are reading far too much into this situation, Miss Lovegood," he snapped, and pushed her away, as roughly as he could bring himself to do to a woman. "I am a man of, of integrity and honor and this is not, I am not some two bit... pretty lips and wiping my lap will not seduce me for I am not even drunk. Not a bit."
"Oh," said Luna, very simply, and she set the towel down on the counter, looking at it. "How dreadful of me to push."
"Yes," he said tightly. "Indeed. Just because a man expresses some dissatisfaction with the current direction of his vocation does not indicate a need to go rut with the nearest available harlot."
Luna blinked. "I've never been called a harlot before. That's new."
He sneered. "You proposition men like this all the time? Are you even a reporter?" His drink was roiling around inside him sickly, and his cheeks were hot, and shit, he was still hard.
There was a flash of hurt over her face, exactly what he'd been looking for, and she shook her head. "I am a reporter, and no, Mr. Weasley, I do not often proposition men. You are only the third, and I only did so because I think you handsome and intelligent. Also, your hands are lovely, and I had labored under the impression that if you were Ginny's brother, you had some hand in making her such a wonderful person. I'll be going now." And true to her word, Luna turned and disappeared up the stairs of the very expansive hotel.
Percy had won whatever battle they'd been in, but he felt no victory. He still felt guilty, sick, and horny-- a crap combination, really. He was angry, but then came the horrible, too-late realization that he wasn't angry with her at all. The anger was with himself, with... to use Luna's terms, old Percy's inability to allow new Percy any freedom. He couldn't deny that he wanted her. It was throbbing physical fact. And even worse, he had somewhat enjoyed the freshness of her conversation.
"Oh, fuck," he whispered. "I enjoyed the conversation."
It was then that the bartender wandered back up, a slip of paper in hand. "'ey," he said. "You're the one drinking with Miss Lovegood, right? Can you take this up to her room? An owl came for her."
Percy looked at him blearily. "I don't know her room number."
"'ere, I'll give it to you," the man said, and wrote it down on the back of the paper. "Go on now. It's no emergency, but it shouldn't wait all night."
"Right," said Percy. "Right."
So he stood outside the right door; he'd checked the number on the door against the number on the paper exactly twenty times. With that as well confirmed as he could wish, all that remained was the business of knocking.
Percy rapped lightly on the door, and didn't receive a response. When he knocked a little harder, there was still nothing. She still didn't answer when he rang the bell.
Surely, in the spirit of delivering a message, he could be forgiven for trying the door handle.
The door opened easily, silently, and he saw that the room was dark, save the lamp by the bed. On the bed was Luna herself, and the hard-on he'd just fought away came back with a vengeance. She'd stripped down to what looked like a pair of cream panties, trimmed with black lace. Curled on her side, facing him, her long hair covered most of her bare breasts, though-- Merlin help him-- out poked small, cherry-colored buds of nipples. He didn't think it possible for his mouth to water at a sight like that, but it did.
She was asleep, and when the door clicked shut behind him, he let his body do it for him, propel him to the bed, drop to one knee. He swallowed, wishing he didn't still smell of stupid drinks and that he wasn't sticky, not when she seemed so clean and ethereal.
One touch, screamed his body. Just one and she'll wake up and kick you out, but you can't die without knowing what it feels like to cup one of those breasts.
"Fuck," he whispered again, and his hand, long-fingered and almost lovely in the light, as she'd said, crept out. He stroked the slope of her breast, and she only stirred a bit, her chest and his hand rising and falling with a deep sigh.
There, he said to himself, and put the paper next to her. He stood, and all would have been well and good if he hadn't tripped over the fucking other bed.
He crashed to the floor and shit, she was awake and staring at him with wide eyes. They were silent until Percy couldn't take it any longer.
"I'm a miserable sight," he said roughly. "Aren't I?"
And he was, looking caught and humiliated and messy and still his traitorous cock wouldn't quit.
Luna smiled. "Yes, you are. Are you just visiting or will you be staying a while?"
It took almost everything he could muster up to say, "I'd like to stay, please."
"Then stay," Luna instructed, almost as if holding some great naked court. At her gentle wave, Percy sat on the bed stiffly, gingerly, trying not to stare at her breasts or her mouth or the outline of her sex through her underwear.
"You're very pretty," he choked out. "I-- I didn't mean to be so awful, it's just that you are very pretty and I happen to want you very much after all."
"I'm aware," said Luna. "I felt it through your trousers."
And just when he thought he might die of the embarrassment, she scooted over so that she was kneeling next to him, almost eye level.
"Percy," she said, in a high, clear voice, just above a whisper. "If you want me, you'll need to do something about it."
A dam broke inside him, old Percy giving a shout of rage as he was carried downstream, and new Percy surged forward, pulling her towards him, breasts towards his mouth. His lips wrapped around one of her nipples and it was as perfect as he'd suspected, hot and tight and almost sweet against his tongue.
Her hands were in his hair, and she gave a tiny gasp, rolling her body into his touch. "Percy!"
He wanted to answer her, but instead he just had to suck the other breasts as well, tugging at the nipple while she made the tiny whimpering sounds. "Oh, oh," she cried, and grabbed one of his hands, pushing it down between her legs.
Never in his life had he felt a woman wet already, and it was almost enough to make him come in his pants. He rubbed the damp cloth of her panties, then slid his fingers under and against her skin. She was as ready as he was, her clit swollen and popping up to meet his fingertips. Percy briefly swore that he would taste it that very night and then--
--oh. Luna was a very clever young lady, and she'd figured out how to undo the clasp of his trousers. The delicate, pale fingers he'd been admiring earlier were wrapped around his shaft, tugging down, tugging him down.
"Later," she said, thought it was almost a cry, "later we will, later but now, just this, please, and will you kiss me?"
Percy couldn't resist the request, had wanted to but needed a reason to pull himself from her breasts. He kissed her mouth, and neither their kiss or their hands moving below were refined or perfect. A bit messy, awkward, and not even all their clothes were off.
But her cool fingers kept pulling at his cock, then traced the heavy weight of his balls and he cried out into her mouth, finally not giving a damn if he was ridiculous. The whole situation was ridiculous, and absolutely brilliant, the best kind of collision of art and life.
She was wet and sticky now, not just with her own arousal, but he'd contributed too. Percy curled a finger up inside her just as he nuzzled her clit with his thumb and she came. Biting down on his lower lip, her whole body shook and she mewled like a kitten.
At some point, a good several minutes later, she sat up, and delicately tossed away the sodden panties. Her hair was an utter mess, sticking to her from sweat. Percy wanted to shed his own clothes, but he couldn't seem to make himself move. So easily he wondered if she was a Legilimens, she took care of it for him, and then settled her warm body against his.
"You taste salty," she observed, and he wasn't exactly sure to what she was referring. "And you smell like sex."
Percy laughed softly, feeling her shift. "That's new. I've never smelled like sex before."
"It's very pleasant on you," she observed. "We'll have to have more of it. In between your lectures on enlarging vegetables."
"What will the other Ministry members think," he said, "when speaking about cabbages makes me have to leave the room for a moment of privacy?"
Luna's smile was slow and deeply familiar. "Why, I rather think they'll wish they had such fun at work."